Time for the Annual LISA Awards!

Yes, ladies and gents, it's that time of year again. Okay, this is actually the very first year I've handed out this award. As a matter of fact, the award is named IN HONOR of its very first recipient: My Former Boss.

What exactly is the LISA Award? Well, it's to be awarded to my least favorite person I have personally known in the year for which it is awarded.

My Former Boss wins this distinguished Award because of what the following photo depicts: my severance package, after having worked with her for ten years:

Deluxe Martini Kit

She named it the "Deluxe Martini Kit", I suppose to differentiate it from the "Inferior Martini Kit". Perhaps to impress me with her creativity and thoughtfulness? To repeat myself from an earlier post, you can't make this shit up.

In the interest of fairness I should disclose that there was also a jar of olives included in the kit. My son and I ate those.

The 2008 Winner of the LISA award may visit my new office on any week-day, from 10:00 a.m. to 5:00 p.m. to receive her award, a bottle of Boone's Farm Apple Wine, which I will will be happy to present by shoving it up her bum, sideways.

Worst Christmas movie ever?

So there I was, laid low with my awful cold, watching dvds on the tube last night. I decided to watch a movie called "Four Christmases".

Bluntly put, SIMPLY CRAPTACULAR. Don't say I didn't warn you!

I hated everything about the movie. There wasn't a single character anyone could care about; as a matter of fact, I was sorta hoping that one of the main characters, say, Reese Witherspoon's, had a highly infectious, totally lethal disease and that everyone she came in contact with (starting with her boyfriend, played by Vince Vaughn) would die, instantly.

My Top 5 Christmas Movie Picks

I would've liked to do a Top 10, but these are the only five I can think of; I've got a cold that's getting worse as the day goes on. These aren't reviews, just my recommendations:

1. The Ref. Probably my absolute favorite, I've watched it at least 20 times and my funny bone is tickled with each viewing. Denis Leary, Judy Davis and Kevin Spacey star and I love all of them. Beyond the stellar cast, it has so many elements I love in a movie: a Rottweiler, loads of cursing, cat pee, and wealthy snobs who get theirs during the course of the movie. Oh also, it has a happy ending.

2. Love Actually. I adore this movie, it is so cheezy-sweetie-good in so many ways, with some typical, predictable dark spots. It's an ensemble piece and my favorite stars are Hugh Grant, Emma Thompson and Alan Rickman. I sometimes want to hate myself for loving it, but I do anyway. Also, it has a happy ending.

3. A Christmas Story. I know this choice is totally predictable, but let's face it, there's a dearth of good Christmas stories out there. Why recite the exploits of Ralphie and his family and friends, you've probably seen the movie 56 times like I have. Let's just say it's a cute story and every kid (big and small) ought to see it. Also, it has a happy ending.

4. It's a Wonderful Life. See #3 above, first sentence. Both of my kids HATE this movie and we've never watched it together. Still, when I'm in the mood to overdose on treacle and angel miracles (and to look at Jimmy Stewart's adorable face), this is a great pick. Also, it has a happy ending. And you resolve to try to be good, good, good from this moment on.

5. How the Grinch Stole Christmas. The cartoon, not the one with Jim Carrey. A classic that I've been watching for almost a century. In real life, I've never witnessed the miracle of someone's heart growing from "two sizes too small" to one with gut-bursting generosity (in fact, maybe just the opposite), but hey, I guess it can happen. Also, it has a happy ending.

I haven't forgotten Dickens' Christmas Story, it's just been so long since I've actually seen it (and there are so many different movies that have been made of it), that I didn't feel like including it. That, and I'm running out of steam here. But it also has a happy ending!

So you see, I have a hard, crunchy outside and a soft, squooshy middle.

Speaking of Christianity

There is a woman I see periodically around town. She and her daughter make baked goods and dolls and such and she stands outside the post office or the grocery store or the bank...

Which is where I ran into her again today. This time I was flush with $$$ and decided to buy a poppy lemon cake from her. I have no intention of eating it but I'm sure I'll find someone who will. I just wanted to help her out a little.

At the same time, she asked if she could give me some literature. I said, OK, even though I was certain said literature would not interest me (I could see it coming a mile away).

Was I wrong. If you're an agnostic like me, you'd be highly entertained by the mini-mag I was offered.

Their web address is www.aggressivechristianity.net. Here is a sampling (and I'll try to stay true to their format):

"Are you tired of a dead church existence? Are you sick of the once a week, song and dance routine? Are you being told the TRUTH by those who call themselves "Men of God"? Why not get bold, why not get radical, why not go ALL THE WAY FOR JESUS!! What are you waiting for, the "rapture"? Souls are slipping Christless into Hell all around you, what are you doing about it?"...

Beneath this screed is a seal with Bleeding Jesus and his crown of thorns, surrounded by the words "OPERATION RESCUE THE PERISHING".

Hahaha, you can't make this shit up. Except, they did.

What's so funny 'bout peace, love and understanding?

In February of 2000, my relationship ended with my best friend. No point in going through the reasons why, but it just ended. Like that, with no "f**k you" or harsh words or even "don't ever call me again".

At the time, I was sort of relieved because we'd been on each others' nerves more than usual, though honestly I just thought we were "on a break" (shades of Friends) and that it would be a few months at most. Well, here we are, almost 9 years later...

A couple of weeks ago I was suffering from existential angst and made a list of everything I was sorry for. I kept each thing I was sorry for succinct, one sentence only. It was 5 pages long, lol. Hey, I'm neurotic, everything is my fault, and besides, I've had a colorful life and I've left a few dead bodies in my wake. She was on the list.

She really was my best friend, we were like sisters we had been lucky to choose. Losing our friendship was worse than my divorce from the father of my children. I've spent years being hurt and confused over the whole thing.

A week after I made my list, I saw my ex-friend in a store. My first instinct was to steer my cart away and down another aisle, and to get far, far away to the other side of the store. Then I said (to myself), "Don't be an asshole", and walked over to her and said hello.

She grabbed me and hugged me and was so happy to see me. We had dinner last night. It really was just like old times, except for the part where she's become a Christian and isn't a bad girl anymore, lol. Will it work out, the Born-Again and the Heathen? I dunno, but I'm happy she's back in my life.

A nice prelude to a new year.

Soooo many things to write about...

yet, I'm back to the shoe thing:

Sock and Awe

Try it, it's Fun! Better than the Norwegian game!

I can't help myself

I laugh every single time I see this video:



Damn, Bush ducks well! I think Laura must be a thrower.

When you're through giggling, try this fun game on for size (a 10, of course):

Throw Shoes on Bush

Yes, I am immature: I'm one of those people who sees someone slip and fall and then laughs. I really can't help myself. I laugh when I slip and fall. I'm glad the shoes didn't hit him: it's funnier this way and there's no sympathy for Bush, who, even though he's a "victim", continues to look like an idiot, though an agile one.

I do have two problems with this, however: The Secret Service didn't really seem to be on the ball, did they? TWO shoes? Second, the journalist who threw the shoes has been thrown in jail, charged with attacking the Iraqi prime minister (huh????), and has reportedly been tortured. Sadly, this is probably true and I'm sure Bush approves.